Lost Art of the Apology
Raise your hand if you've ever made a colossal mistake. I bet you every person who reads this has, at some point in his or her life, made a poor decision that they regret considerably. It's impossible to go through life without making them. It is also impossible to learn and grow without acknowledging that you have made them. They are simply inevitable. So what happens when you royally screw up? You have to master the lost act and art of the apology.
In this day and age, it seems that for every accomplishment, there is a mistake that's made along with it. Sometimes that ratio is more like 5:1 and we feel like we can never do anything right. Sometimes blunders take the form of a brief, one time judgement lapse, and sometimes they become a pattern. We see poor choices being made within families, relationships, businesses, and communities. Sometimes we make bad decisions because it benefits ourselves, sometimes we make them in an effort to protect others we love from being harmed (or so we think). Let's face it. As humans, we can be prone to lie, cheat, steal, and take shortcuts. Even if it's in the form of logging one extra hour of work on your time card, expensing something as business that wasn't business, or being inappropriate with someone else when you are in a monogamous relationship, we do things that hurt others every single day. The reasons why we do the things we do are endless, but we often do not see them as mistakes until we get caught and are face to face with who we actually harmed. We also like to downplay the seriousness of our transgressions, and give ourselves reasons why we should be able to get away with what we did.
While it is important to acknowledge the errors we make, I argue that what's really weakening our relationships with others is our inability to rectify damaging situations with a sincere apology. We get so caught up in our own selfishness that we don't even know how to say sorry anymore. We are our own best friend, and we are champions at defending our actions with whatever excuses we can. We know mistakes will happen. We can count on it. Knowing this, putting an effort into a sincere apology can go a long way. Addressing your wrongdoing by saying sorry and meaning it is one of the most underrated yet necessary behaviours needed in order to have healthier relationships with all facets of life.
After coming to prison, I decided that the most pivotal thing I had to do was to reach out to every person I had hurt and offer a sincere, meaningful apology, alongside a sincere, meaningful explanation. I had to apologize to my friends for all the times I was rude, disrespectful, and unappreciative. I had to apologize to my family for hurting them with my reckless behaviour. I had to apologize to the community for jeopardizing their safety. When I was taken into custody on January 16th, 2018, I made a list of not just who and why I wanted to apologize to, but also thought about what I was going to do to work on repairing the fractures my actions had caused.
Understand the why: Did I really know why I was apologizing? I had to imagine myself in their shoes. In fact, I ASKED THEM. Sometimes you think you are apologizing for one thing, but in fact you hurt them in other ways. In my case, at first I was saying sorry to the people that I hurt because of my drinking and drug use. When I inquired deeper, it wasn't that. It was the ways that I acted BECAUSE of that- being frequently late, not showing up, rescheduling, and always being distracted. I knew that once I stopped the substance abuse I would have more respect for my commitments and would also stop trying to do a million things at once.
Don't just say it for the sake of saying it: A hollow apology is even worse that not giving one at all. They will just think you are trying to take the easy way out by saying what you think they want to hear. Don't be fake. If you don't mean it, I wouldn't even bother saying it at all until you really understand and can demonstrate compassion and empathy.
Show it: Recognize what crummy habit you want to ditch and develop strategies for improvement. If it was a one-time thing, show that you are taking steps to make sure it won't happen again. For example, I knew that one of my major annoyances to others was always being on my phone when I was with other people. I justified this because I was managing my business and like many business owners, prioritized that over everything, even above people that had chosen to spend time with me in person. I decided that moving forward I would only look at my phone before and after I had met with someone, not during. Unless it was to open the camera for a photoshoot!
Check in with them: If you have hurt someone, you can't expect things to go back to normal instantly. Give them time. If you have made your apology, ask them a few weeks later and see how they are feeling about the whole scenario. There may be more improvements you can make or things you could do, so be open to suggestions (unless they want you mule drugs for them, in that case it's not worth it!).
Do something spontaneous and special: Take them out for dinner, invite them to something, send them a card or buy them some flowers or a book. Find that quirky thing they like and surprise them with it. Say something nice about them. Going the extra mile will show them that you really respect the relationship and are committed to ensuring they won't be taken advantage of again.
When it comes to personal and public relations gaffes, taking responsibility is only half of it. Apologizing isn't an event, it's a process. It takes time, effort, and patience. Some will accept your apology quicker than others. Some will forgive but not forget and things will never be the same, and unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it. Do your part by saying and staying sorry, so that you can keep those that mean to the most to you, close to you.