Thank You for Believing in Me
For the first time in her 24 years, my younger sister Heather refused to look at me. It was the first time I had seen her since I had been arrested, and I knew she was incredibly hurt, confused and angry. I didn't want to think about what was going through her head, but I knew that I had caused a horrific amount of damage. The worst part of it was, I couldn't even begin to explain. We were out at a public event with my mom, and the whole time she didn't want anything to do with me. That day was awful and shook me to the core. I knew the situation looked really bad, that I looked like I had been living a lie, that I was living some sort of sick double life all along. When I saw her burst into tears, it totally crushed me. That was one of the most pivotal moments that drove me to focus everything I had on repairing our relationship because I just loved her so much.
Everything was so tense the first few months after what happened at the airport. They were so quick to jump to their own conclusions. Many of the people I considered friends kept saying presumptuous things like: "I knew something was up with all that travelling". This was really hurtful and incredibly annoying because it simply wasn't true. What had I done to them to make them say such cruel things? It just seemed that people were so eager to gossip and judge because my life was not like theirs; I had to have been doing something wrong to live the life I lived.
For some context, I lived a fairly free spirited lifestyle prior to this, travelling to many different countries, because why not? I had the opportunity, whether through my own savings, by invitation or through volunteering or working abroad, so I jumped on it. I was not ready to settle down and I did not want to let anyone else decide my future but me. I didn't want to think I had to find a partner to settle down with just because that's what almost everyone else was doing. I knew I would just end up letting them down if I pretended anyway. I think everyone is entitled to live the way they want to - as long as it's not breaking any laws of course - despite the pressures of cultural norms or what everyone else thinks. I did not think there was anything wrong with that, but I know some people were quick to judge that I strayed from the typical path. I wanted to carve out my own path.
After my arrest, my parents were insistent on playing detective to get me to confess that I had been doing this all along. This made me even more hurt and angry, especially because I spent much of my time abroad volunteering, and now all of a sudden they were repeatedly questioning my motives. It's like they forgot about everything I ever did abroad and the fact that I spent my own money trying to improve the lives of other people and communities. Despite their efforts, they never got their confession, because there simply wasn't one to tell. It took me awhile to realize they were simply in search of truth after being hurt and confused themselves, but I spent a good number of months harbouring my resentment.
It took some time for my younger sister to come around. I didn't want to push her. I wasn't entitled to that. I knew I would have to wait until she was ready to hear my side of the story. I didn't want anyone to think I had been living some double life, but especially her because I was supposed to be a role model, and we were exceptionally close. I didn't want my family to be ashamed. I was determined to show them that the person who got arrested was not the real me. I knew that my alcohol and drug use was a significant factor in how I got into the whole hullabaloo, but I also firmly rejected that I was a full-blown addict who couldn't tell the difference between right and wrong like my father initially was concerned about. It hurt me even more that he recommended I do a neuropsychological exam to see what long term damage I had done. He did it because he truly thought it would help in my defence. I did the test even though I was furious he suggested it, and ended up scoring just above average, rendering it useless in court. I didn't see it then, but he was just being a good dad and trying to help me. I never physically needed the drugs, and I never stole anything to get them either. Truthfully, I usually got them for free because I got my drug dealer into so many parties.
As time went on, my relationship with my family got better. I know they knew I was a good person, they were just in shock at first, and I couldn't blame them. Trust me, they weren't the only ones in shock! I began to realize more and more that they were doing everything out of their love for me, and nothing else. In a way, this experience brought everyone so much closer, and I am so grateful to have the family that I do. They have been with me every single step of the way, and there have been hundreds if not thousands of steps. They put up part of their mortgage as collateral to get me out of jail. They left work to come to every single meeting with the lawyer. They made sure I got the help I needed to get on the right track with my substance use. They came to my work events to show their support. They made sure they recruited as many people as they could to attend my sentencing hearing. They even had their butt sniffed by strange dogs nearly every other weekend in order to see me, and my poor mom has been subject to intense questioning because the ion scanner decided it was my mom's lucky day and said she had high levels of drugs. My mom wouldn't use drugs in a million years. She doesn't even know what they look like. I remember I was throwing out a purse from a few years ago and she went through it (she was going to give it to charity since it was in good shape) and lo and behold, there was half a bag of cocaine in there. She was like: "SO THIS IS WHAT COCAINE LOOKS LIKE???" She literally had no idea. Poor mama bear.
My family has literally been my life support. What if I had no one to bail me out? Or worse, what if they didn't even want to? What if they didn't have money to pay the rest of my legal fees? What if I had no one to come visit me? Who would look after my pets? What if I had no one to send me my belongings? Or send me thoughtful cards? I would be in a very different place if I didn't have them. So I said at one point that I didn't want the life my parents had, but I definitely take that back. Having a family so wonderful as mine is something to be so grateful for, and I will never forget the sacrifices that were made. The last few years really showed how unbreakable our family bond is. They have been incredible. So to Mom, Dad, Heather, and Alex, my grandparents, and to those very special aunts and uncles, thank you for believing in me, I love you.